Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Santa's Visit

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Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house. Not a creature was stirring, except that damn mouse. The socks hide in the basement so my feet, they are bare. It's freezing outside but go out if you dare.

The dogs were all calm chewing on their doll heads. As I try to remember if I took my meds. And Tinker, my cat, wants to sit on my lap but me I'm allergic so I say "DOWN!" with a clap.

All this holiday eating has made me feel fatter, I think to myself as I mix brownie batter. Coconut may be good, maybe a dash. Then all of a sudden there is a loud crash.

I look out on the deck & see the flakes blow. Curses to those who said "Let it snow, let it snow." Maybe earlier I didn't make myself clear... but it's Christmas, no curses, just gimme some beer!

I close the door tight, lock it up with a click & figured I'd wait up for good ol' St. Nick. There won't be a hippo but him I can't blame, they may seem quite calm but I know they aren't tame.

Now Santa's big bag he could fit lots of tricks in, but I guess a big hippo just wouldn't mix in.   I'll give up that wish for the good of one & all, no need to thank me the sacrifice is quite small.

As I sit by the window looking up at the sky & wait for the big man to mosey on by, I think about morning & the shoveling to do. Just how much there will be I don't have a clue.

The next thing I know there's a magical poof & the dogs go all crazy with a "WOOF-WOOF!" He really did have a belly, big & round & a beard of white piled on his chest in a mound.

He didn't have his sack, all packed up with loot & he was tracking in snow with his left boot. I was beginning to think that he was a hack until he bent down & gave the table a smack.

His eyes looked quite angry, it was rather scary. I was thinking he had gas from all the dairy. I offered him the bathroom, if he had to go, but he just shook his head at me, to & fro.

Then he smiled at me big, showing all of his teeth & he said "To you this night I bequeath."  He asked if I had any meat from the deli. He was sick of milk, cookies & cheese that's smelly.

I said to him "Santa you're not acting like yourself." "Aren't you supposed to be a plump jolly elf?" I then realized he wasn't wearing red. He said he was leaving that to Rudolph instead.

I said to him "Santa, you are being a jerk!" "Make that mood jolly & get yourself back to work." He got a little mopey & sniffled his nose & then from his bent up position he rose.

He dashed to his sleigh like a heat guiding missile & gave all his reindeer a jolly old whistle. In a matter of seconds his reindeer took flight as he screamed to the world "Merry Christmas, good night!"

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